It was Sunday and I was sitting at the barber’s to get a shave. I was sitting right next to an aquarium, which had lots of fishes of different sizes and colors in it. While I was admiring the marvels of Mother Nature, a very strong desire took me over, a desire to pull out a fish from that Aquarium. A desire to see what happens once this little fish gets out of the resources it can never live without, a desire to see what pain can mean, a desire to see it jumping erratically. Not that I am a devil, but, I think I just wanted to see which pain was bigger the fishes or mine, or on the least, I wanted to experience the pain that the little fish would go through.
Well, my name is Arijeet…and I am an addict. It’s been quite some time since I’ve written here. And today I am writing with a reason. My GOD (I have a different God, not quite the same as you might have) does things differently and all with a reason that always ends up in my favor. And this time he took a decision to throw me out of his vivarium (that’s what I thought until the comedy of errors was sorted).
Shafa to me is a shrine of peace, love and prosperity and a place where lives are rekindled. And, I, being a product of Shafa, am all the more emotional, sentimental and attached to this common ground. I kept on waiting that day, restlessly, wishing I could die the very moment, craving, trying to figure out why I was not being allowed to go up there. My world was shattered; it was something that I couldn’t take at all. Back in the car tears started rolling through my eyes. It was a long time since I had cried. My heart filled with all the six feelings - pain, shame, anger, hurt, guilt and fear. Couldn’t have told anything to my family. I never ever thought such a day would come in my life, where Shafa wouldn’t be there. I was already amid an emotional relapse. Now it was not a matter of whether I was wrong or not, I had already been punished. Felt like talking to nobody, like eating nothing, like drinking nothing like doing absolutely nothing. I felt weak, my knees shaking, my face worn out. I knew if it were old times I would have actually relapsed by then.
But then suddenly I took hold of myself. I started talking to myself as I used to in the early days of my treatment. I started a self introspection as I was taught during my treatment. I started looking at the pros and cons. I could see that everything was on stake just because of one small incident and that my wisdom was fading away. Silence and Smile….are the two biggest most weapons that Shafa gave me to fight the times of distress and that’s what I did. I kept silent and smiled to myself. I knew this was the testing time and a time of realization as to how much I loved Shafa. I felt lighter and through, with all my feelings. I didn’t need to explain anything. I didn’t need to send the message I had written and not sent. All of a sudden my belief in my GOD revived. I knew he would understand and know that I am tied to Shafa as a child is tied to its mother’s womb. I knew this too shall pass. I knew directions are never long-term.
I know it is very difficult for us, addicts, to handle situations like these. We need lots of therapeutic fishes around us to help us through and always be in our water and to make us realize that we are the products of The Therapeutic Aquarium, an Aquarium called Shafa.
N.B. – I know my urge to get that fish out was wrong and temporary. It is very easy to destroy gifts of Mother Nature but very difficult to keep them alive. I am grateful that my GOD has kept me alive.