Whose Fault Is
Alcoholism
When something goes
wrong, when someone gets hurt, when we make a mistake we often look for the
reason why or the cause of the problem. If you trip on a shoe when you walk
into the house it’s natural to get frustrated with the person who left the shoe
in the doorway and so we say, “I tripped because of what you did. It’s your
fault.” If you are running late for a meeting and there is a slow car in front
of you it’s not uncommon to get angry and blame the person in front for “making
me late” or to take it personally and feel like they are driving slowly on
purpose.
The same thing happens
with alcoholics: they say they drink because of someone or something else. But
the truth is only one person is responsible for their actions, for their
drinking, and that is the person who is actually doing the drinking.
I Drink
Because…
Many children of alcoholics hear something like, “I drink
because you do [blank].”
Whatever ‘blank’ might be in your house, when you hear something
often enough and for long enough it is easy to start believing that it is true.
Especially, when you’re young. Alcoholism
is a disease with a great deal of denial, and so you are not going to hear
an alcoholic say, “I drink because I am out of control,” or “I drink because I
have unresolved pain and I’m self-medicating,” or “I drink because I just can’t
help it and I don’t know how to stop.” Instead it’s easier to blame someone
else, to make someone else the cause of the problem and that is exactly what
happens.
Tripping Over the
Shoes…Again And Again
Imagine again the situation where you keep tripping over the
shoes that get left in the doorway. The first time it makes sense to be upset
with the person who left them there. The second time maybe you are frustrated
and irritated. The third time you probably need to remember to turn on the
light so you don’t trip. You know the shoes are there, it’s your job to avoid
them. The same thing is true for the alcoholics, their behavior, their actions,
their choices are their own and the decision to drink belongs solely to them.
No one can make someone else drink no matter how annoying the behavior or
frustrating the situation.
But Alcoholism
Is Not Your Fault
Just like with the shoes certain situations may be annoying, but
we can ask people for what we need or we can learn other ways to cope with bad
situations. You can tell the person who the shoes belong to that, “Every time I
come home I trip over your shoes, please put them somewhere else.” You can go
around the shoes, you can turn on the light. You can make a choice about how
you deal with the circumstances in the same way, alcohol abuse in the
family can start to become a pattern.
Maybe you got into a fight with your father and after that he had a drink
to calm down. Now everyday when he has a drink he says it is because of you, he
gets drunk because he doesn’t like your friends, your grades are not good
enough, and you fight with your siblings – whatever. But your father, your
mother, whoever it is has a choice in how they deal with the situations that
are frustrating to them. If the choice they make is to drink, that is their decision,
their action and only they can make it.
We Can’t
Control another’s Start or Stop of Alcoholism
People often say that
alcoholism is a baffling disease. There is so much that we don’t understand about preventing, treating or curing
alcoholism, there is so much we don’t understand about what makes someone continue to drink when even they know
that it is hurting them and the people around them. And growing up
in an alcoholic home can take years, decades,
or a lifetime to come to peace with.
But we do know that it is a disease of the person who has it –
no one but themselves is making them drink, no one but themselves can make them
stop. We may feel bad when we have a fight with someone, we may feel like we
are not doing the best we can do with our life and our choices, but what they
do with their frustration, their anger, or their irritation is up to them.
Sometimes it might feel good to think that if we were just a little bit better
in whatever way we were supposed to we could make them stop, but we can’t; we
can’t make them stop drinking, just like we can’t make them start!
Shafa
Home is a residential treatment facility and nasha mukti kendra offering complete treatment
for Alcohol Addiction. We encourage you to contact one of our counsellors
today if you are concerned about Alcohol
Addiction.
